Merry Christmas

Spend time with those most special in your life and try to even get along today with crazy Uncle Melvin. Enjoy the light radiation from my virtual Yule log.A very merry Christmas from my family to yours.

The Bacon Fairy

I'm leaving my broken frying pan under my pillow tonight!image credit

The Holidays

When 'Your Fellow Man' becomes the sole obstacle to your future happiness.

Party Geek - Revised

As the holidays draw ever closer, and friends and families are getting together to celebrate, I'm reminded of that oh so universal truth in the world, that is most easily started as thus, "Don't invite a geek to your party. Ever!" This is a huge mistake. Now don't misunderstand me here, my people are fun and exciting in our own way. When we all get together in groups it's great. I can talk for an

Letter To My Father

Dear Pop;Today is December 22, 2008, you have been gone a while. Five years if I recall. Has it really been that long? I'm not sure what prompted me to write this, but I've been missing you recently. It's not Fathers Day, or your birthday, but I still wish I could talk to you. I miss having you here. There are so many times growing up that I wished I was anywhere except living under your roof. I

Diary Of An Amateur Woodworker

March 2008Dear Diary,Today my wife asked me to build her something. A toy shelf out of wood. I haven't done anything like that since I was a kid, and back then it was impolite to say, "Wow? Did you make that? Kid...that looks like garbage." I'm not even sure where to start. I have a workbench, but I hadn't actually thought of using it for anything. I hope my tools don't get freaked out by

Climbing into Coffee Cups

Somedays are just plain cold. There is nothing you can do to get warm. Today is one of those days. It is bitter cold here. Someone needs to call Al Gore and find out why the warming has stopped. I don't care if the polar bears are suffering, I want my global warming!Days like this I feel like doing this:Do you think the folks in my office will mind?

Understanding Hannah

My youngest daughter is a absolute nutcase. Her brain is a hodgepodge of crisscrossed wires that make her sister, who has Down Syndrome, seem completely rational by comparison.For instance when Alexis wants something, it makes sense. She loves the television, waffles and her stuffed lion. In that order. If she is unhappy we can almost bet that one of the aforementioned items will make her happy.

Paid To Wait

I find myself in a very strange place tonight... waiting. Waiting for about 4 hours, and while I sit here waiting, the government is paying me. That's right, your local property taxes are hard at work tonight. I'm here, sitting on my duff, getting paid. In fact in about 30 minutes I'll be on overtime!For all you out there thinking about an exciting job in the Information Technology field take

Sacraficing to Oops

There seems to be no shortages of people places or objects to bestow your esteem, regard, respect, approval or reverence. So how is it that I ended up here? Recently I find myself making sacrifices to a god that I didn't even know existed until a few moths back. This god is now the ruling force in my workshop, second to none with the power to change the outcome of even the smallest of event.

The Cult

I sit down, and shed all reason and logic, as I open my pamphlet entitled:"So you've decided to do away with all that filthy productivity and join the cult." It's not a good sign but I decide to keep reading. I flip open the hand folded tract and see what more information it has to impart to my longing soul."You don't have to live the repressed life of your narrow minded generation. Open your

What A Bargain

There is something appealing about free. Free. Something for nothing. "You want it? It's yours.""What's the cost?" "No cost. Nothing. It's free. Just take it."I should have known better. There is nothing quite as expensive as free.Two weekends ago I got a deal. A real honest to goodness bargain. As I was browsing through Craigslist looking for inexpensive power tools to feed my new addiction, I

Lazy Thursday Blues: The Movie Return

It has been a long time since I've done one of these... And in the interest of getting them started up again, this one will be in play for a number of days .Since it's been such a long time, this game should feel a bit new again!I'll start the game with a quote from a movie. Whoever knows it can respond, with the movie it's from, additionally they will add a new movie quote to keep the game

Gone Phishing

My name is Dr William Monroe, a staff of a well-known bank, here in London, England. One of our accounts, with holding balance of £15,000,000 has been dormant and last operated three years ago. From my investigations and confirmation, the owner of the said account, a foreigner by name John Shumejda died on the 4th of January 2002 in a plane crash in Birmingham...In Internet speak phishing is the

Starting Over

There are few things as defeating as starting over. When you believe that you have completed a project, paper, blog or task to realized that something is not satisfactory. You sit there putting the finishing touches on it when it hits you like a ton of bricks. You begin to rationalize. It's not that bad, I can fix it. No matter how hard you try, you know the truth of it cannot be escaped. Life is

Rebirth

"Frank! There you are.""Hey...""You were suppose to meet me at the office, remember? The client?""Client?""Yea, you remember, the deep fried peanut butter people.""That sounds repugnant. We're not working for them are we?!""What do you care? You missed the meeting...""Sorry.""...and the free samples.""Maybe I'm not so sorry after all." "Whatever. Look, what have you been doing that is so

We're Back

The Internet has returned to the Brown house after a staggering six year drought. After literally years of us telling anyone who would listen, "We don't miss it", "It's no big deal", "We're happy without it", somehow, it's back. In 2002 I was laid off from a wireless ISP. At that time I had enjoyed working for ISP's for about 4 years or so. One major perk of working for the Internet provider was

From The Editors Desk: Return of Fridays

Gentle Reader;For those of you who read this posts title and were surprised to find out that Fridays had been missing, let me explain.Fridays have yet to be removed from the calendar, but my old Friday posts or conversation Fridays, have been gone since April of 2007, save one post called "Tug of War" which was just an accidental conversation post. I'm thinking I would like to try another stab at

Selling It All

eBay is awesome. Let's just start off by saying that. I love eBay. Like many good things that I've discovered, only after everyone else on the planet is bored with them, I wonder how I've gotten on this long without them. I would add things like, Netflix, woodworking, talk radio, and buttered popcorn jelly beans. eBay apparently was named as a satirical nod to the Ebola virus, of all things.

Puking Pastimes

When most people think of sickness, they think about colds. You know the typical runny nose, feet in hot water and wrapped up in a blanket. This is the first picture, at least in my minds eye, when I hear, "I'm feeling sick." What you generally don't picture is yourself huddled in a heap on the restroom floor, vomiting your kidneys out your mouth. In general kidneys should not be seen, much less

Vacations

I just came back from a very nice vacation. We had a lovely time, after I stopped trying to control the spinning of the Earth on it's axis and learned to relax. Not completely relax mind you, just enough to have "a good time". This was a major milestone for me. I'm a necrotic obsessive control freak, and that's putting in nicely. We did have some rough times, like the lowest point of my parenting

Confessions Of A Thread Killer

There's something wrong with me. Stop nodding your head. You have no clue what I'm about to say! Ahem this is just a short post for a quick confession. I'm an e-mail thread killer. I frequently take e-mails to the place where they die. I have seen the graveyard, and mostly the last responder is yours truly. What can I say, "I am cold blooded killer."People read my e-mail responses, close their

Faking It

"Sooner or later, someone is bound to get wise to it.... right?"

Drill Sarah, Drill!

I love politics. I find the process exciting, and the cycle interesting. I enjoy listening to the commentaries, following the latest stories, learning about the issues and watching the whole gamut of political choices, from bowing to biting. For people who are not as interested in keeping up with politics, it's a lot like the annual weather pattern. "Has it EVER been this hot before?!""Do you

Stealing From The Dead

It's true. I'm a thief, a scoundrel, a scallywag. My victims are totally helpless, and I swoop in a take what I need. They cannot stop me. I'm not in the least bit repentant about it. In fact I'm proud of it. I say, "If your silly enough to pass on with nice stuff in your garage, it's your own fault when your wife and son sell it to me for next to nothing!" My soul is absolutely filthy. I need

Faith In Action

Faith in what is unknown can be difficult. Why do we believe in what we believe in? Is it just a matter of faith? Many times that is all it takes. Faith....and a multimillion dollar advertising budget. Advertising, as you know, is a great catalyst of faith. Glue. Ordinary, regular, everyday glue. This is a post about glue. Now that we are clear on that I feel I can continue. I say that 'faith' is

Bitter Coffee

"Seriously. I'm heading to Venezuela right now!"

Declining Digits

"Where have all the fingers gone, long time passing?Where have all the fingers gone, long time ago?Where have all the fingers gone, gone to table saws everyoneWhen will they ever learn, when will they ever learn?"I have a new hobby. Finger cutting. Okay, given the squeamish nature of some folks, and the opening lines of this post let me pause. I would like to say that I have never in my life cut

Bloggers Block

After cranking out over 400 posts, I'm having trouble getting inspired. Am I alive? Yes. Do I want to post? Yes. Is this a post?No, not really.I'll honestly be trying to think of something soon. Maybe.

Spatula Ponderings

"What is this?""What about this?""Now, this one?""What do we call this thing?""How about this one?!" Is it just me or are half of all kitchen utensils called Spatulas? What is that all about!? How many different items are so unimportant they all get the same name. What someone just spent? "Okay, were almost done here today, lets see.... we'll call this a bowl, that thing over there a knife. But

Judgment

"Where you heading friend?"

Planning

Well this is fun. Now what?"

Order Up!

Some things are worth dying for. Where is your sense of duty?

20 Things I Learned From Outages

Now is a perfect time to panic.No matter what you may think, everyone knows it's your fault.Everyone is always losing 'thousands of dollars' during outages.When the network is down, you burn calories at an exponential rate.People who haven't worked in the last year are suddenly desperate to get busy.How many managers can you cram into your workspace?When the network is down, you'll have your

Deadly A-Salt

Harvested from almost every corner of the planet, used extensively in homes of millions if not billions of people worldwide. It's obvious that this foe is not going to loosen its grip anytime in the near future. It has you where it wants you, always shaking and thirsting for more. Lets face it, salt is a naughty spice. Is it a spice or a seasoning? Is there a difference? I want to say spices come

Reincarnating Inanimate Objects

With a title like that, you just had to click and see. "Okay Peter, what nonsense are you going to start driveling on about now?"No, it's true. I'm reincarnating inanimate objects with the hope of monetary gain. I've reincarnated a rather unattractive wood pallet into, what I believe is a very cool table. How's that for a step up in caste? Sure beats coming back as a cow. Patricia and I have been

A Passing Decade

Ten years have passed since the last time I dressed up in a tuxedo. A lot can happen over ten years. It's amazing when you look back at a span of years and realize what path your life has taken and where you have evolved to as a person, couple and family. Things like moving six times, cycling through 7 different jobs, buying two houses, the birth of two children, losing people that you loved,

Geeks In Mass

So here I am in a classy hotel conference room, listening to an articulate, well groomed marketing rep from a large computer manufacturing firm talking to a pile of greasy, unkempt socially inept geeky network administrators and managers. It's a very interesting way to spend a day.Geeks are so not cool. Well we are, but not to others. Geeks have a hierarchy just like any society, but it's not

Pitching Bowling Balls

Harry's life as an investment banker wasn't going very well. So far he had already managed to lose $1300 in capitol from his sole customers portfolio since Monday. It was Tuesday. This wasn't going to look good on his resume. What he couldn't be sure of was whether or not he could fix it. Instead of trying to... Harry just quit. It has always worked for him in the past.Quitting was the only thing

Republican Rant

I found myself typing up a political rant that I wanted to post. KludgeSpot is not place for serious political conversations, even one sided ones. If you want to weigh in, I would enjoy hearing your viewpoints. You can do so here.

Title Offerings

There are days when I find that I have more fun coming up with the title of my post than actually writing anything. Recently these days have become more frequent. I'm having trouble thinking of the inconsequential more and more often. My head is involved in politics and work. Two things that do little to add to the inane and bizarre profundities that you all seem so keen on. So...for no other

Management

Serious applicants: Inquire Within.

Chasing Pitchforks

The users are revolting. They've discovered that we are hording vast resources while doing our best to squash their prosperity. We only give them what we deem appropriate then scold them when they step foot outside those confines. It seems that one of the geeks have let it slip that were are sitting on the proverbial pile of food. Two weeks ago "Hello? What was that?", Another threating call. "

Starbucks Coffee

Can I get a lemon scone with that?

Your Bacon

In all honestly I'd rather be saving my own bacon.

Taking A Stab At Unicorns

Unicorns are a mythological creature. They are a fantasy, much in the same way as this blogs popularity is. They don't exist except in the minds of story spinners and in a few odd corners of Manhattan. For the most part people accept this and move on with their lives understanding that they will never get to see one.Others defy this logic and spend hours of their lives gluing horns on horses

20 Things I Learned From Life

Between conspiracy and incompetency, bet on incompetency.There is no such thing as extra cash, unless it belongs to someone else.Some pain is unavoidable. The rest is usually of your own doing.There will always be someone smarter than you. In a battle of wits, if you can't win, you can always cheat!No matter how good a driver you think you are, at some point, you will get honked at a called a

Doing Harm

This foe must be stopped!

The Void

Welcome to another day.

Plastic Cutlery

I have nothing to say, but I'm here anywayI have nothing to type, but the same old tripeI have seen nothing new, but I'll do as I doAnd pump out more lines and waste all my timeDoing this thing that I can't seem to shake!Sometimes I just sit at my keyboard and wonder, "Why blog?" The only answer I have is, "Because Peter, if you don't, this stuff will stay in your head. While there it will begin

The Kamikaze Fly

Look to the skyHe comes! He's here!The kamikaze flyRight in your faceRetreat! Beware!Invading your spaceOdds against himYou're Big! He's Small!Risking life and limbDive bombing nutAt full throttle!Right into my gutSpinning and thrashingSwiping! Chasing!With arms a lashingYet on he divesRetreat! Retreat!If only to survivePeter Brown 2008

Of Friendships and Heaters

Rufus and Jerry were at war, there was no simple way to say it. Rufus wanted to triumph over Jerry, dance a jig of joy on his losing carcass and then parade it through the streets of town, loudly proclaiming his victory. Jerry might have felt similar, but he wasn't going to let such emotion show through. Rufus was going to beat Jerry in might and Jerry would best Rufus in mind, but neither was

Washing Your Hands Of It

Look at the alternatives...

Tug Of War

"What is this?""It's a hardware store. Just look around!""I see unwashed men in baseball caps. What are we doing here?""We're looking at tools! Just take a gander at this beauty!""LOOKING AT TOOLS! What in the world! We don't belong here!""Why not!?""Because we should be at home, playing a skirmish in Supreme Commander. Every second in this place deadens us and steals our edge. How are we going

Confessions Of Buffalo Winger

"Hello, my name is Peter and I'm addicted to buffalo wings."Group :"Hello Peter""It's been five days since my last buffalo wing-"Clapping"-and while I feel good about that, I believe it just gives me an excuse to have them again shortly."There is just no getting around it. I'm addicted to buffalo wings. It all started a young age, my father found this place on the drive home from work one day.

Understanding

Working together just makes you feel good.

Paper Clips

Ah yes, the vast and mostly unexplored world of paper clips. "Paper clips? What in the world is he launching into now? How can he possibly write a post about a piece of spring steel."Yet you read on. Out of sick expectation, morbid curiosity or more likely just the sheer boredom of a slow Tuesday at work. Possibly your computer has crashed and you cannot close the page. Whatever your excuse,

Call Me "Suede"

"So my name is Johnathan Fredericks""Nice to meet you Johnat-""No one calls me that though. I go by Suede."Well isn't that interesting. Makes you wonder a few things. First of what's up with the whole nickname thing? How do you get a nickname? And of course, How is it a guy who goes by Kludge feels like he has the right to cap on anyones alter-egos.So we were watching a movie last night, and as

Bottling Bob

Bob Bipschwitz was buried this morning. Bob was a bottler back before machines did the jobs of men. Bob had a knack for keeping things in bottles, things like soda bubbles, bobbles, beads and bows. Bob loved to bottle. It was his calling. When he was eleven 'Big Bobby Bip' as he was known to his friend, bottled bees and beetles. Even then he was a master. Friend Freida Freud said, "He sure does

Out Of Office

Office full of empty boxes? What my boss found when he returned to his office after April 1st 2008. Thanks to a prankster co-worker and a load of empty tech boxes.

20 Reasons I'm Never Giving Up Coffee

Coffee shops smell good.Coffee helps me wake up.I need something to add my three teaspoons of sugar to everyday.I like holding paper coffee cups. It makes me feel important.I'm supporting employees with families. It would be wrong to suddenly cut off that support.It makes work slightly more bearable.Hot coffee in a cup is an excellent hand warmer.Coffee stains on your notes make you look like a

Craftsmanship

Did someone call for a straightedge?

20 Things I've Learned From Blogging

There are days when blogging is less like recreation and more like work.Updates are expected. Best of luck with that.Originality is harder than you think given the vastness of the Net.If you're looking for Pulitzer prize writing, skip the blogs. If you're looking for vast collections of Gothic poetry, then you've come home. Everyone has a blog. Even grandma Ethel.Grandma Ethel's blog has a better

Runs With Power Tools

"Runs With Power Tools" It's my Indian name. I just upgraded it from, "Collects power tools and never uses them, even though he has a workbench." It was a bit awkward anyway. Introductions at parties were always a bit lengthy followed by a fairly pregnant pause. Recently I have decided to try and build some stuff with my tools. It's funny because I really do have a nice selection of tools that I

Bacon Fiends Rejoice!

Rest easy pork lovers, the bacon lollipop has arrived!Thanks again to Mr. Matt Boyd for helping to fill that bacon void in my life, by keeping me up to date on all the latest hog happenings. This little wonder is a lollipop made from Vermont Maple syrup and organic cured pork.They pitch this pitch and pork product as the anti-kosher lollipop, that infuses the sweetness of syrup with the salty joy

8th Grade Science Test

Okay, this was kinda of fun. 26 questions that most eight graders should now. Can you pass? I was surprised at blanking on a few of these. I'm just glad it wasn't an 8th grade math test, or 6th grade for that matter...

Creative Exercises

I have now been selling T-Shirts on cafepress for over a year and a half. In that time I have sold about 50 items. Almost every penny of the revenue has been used to purchase other cafepress gear, for fun or silly gifts. Which means that I haven't really made any money off the venture. For me it's more about knowing people like the designs. To think that someone named Lauren in IN is wearing a '

Revised Definitions

Ex·er·tion; noun "the act or an instance of exerting; especially : a laborious or perceptible effort." Merriam-Webster 1677Ex·er·tion; noun "the act of sucking wind, sweating like a pig, and being unable to move easily the next day." Peter P. Brown 2008I'm not sure if everyone would agree, but I'm rather partial to my definition. I feel that it gives more of a realistic grasp of what life it

Going Out Of Business

"Welcome to the store! - We're Going Out of Business!""I see that.""Yep, EVERYTHING MUST GO! We're closing our doors! We need to clear this place out! ""Yeah, I saw the guys on the corners with the signs. That's why I'm here, so you can stop yelling.""Excellent. Well, have a look around, and CHECK OUT OUR CRAZY DEALS! We've slashed prices by 5%""Excuse me?""I said, we've slashed prices by 5%,

A Post About Cheese

A quick post about cheese. I like cheese, it tastes good with meat and stuff like that. I sometimes eat cheese by itself, but very rarely. For me cheese alone tastes like yaks fur. Unlike yaks fur though, I think it blends well with other items such as bread, meat, crackers or pickles. So for the most part, I like cheese, but I'm not a cheese connoisseur. The word connoisseur means, 'the people

Club Faragaran

Come to lovely Club Faragaran! The tree lodge with the all the comforts ground lovers crave. Club Faragaran has all the amenities for those of you looking for a relaxing stay in a tree top paradise. While staying with us 200 feet above the boulder littered forest floor, we always have your safety in mind. That is why we are nearly halfway done installing a surrounding guard rail along our tree

Decomposing Humor Vol.02

The pun is one the lowest form of humor. It exists somewhere between gassing and sarcasm. You can take your pick as to the direction that scale travels. I would say, closely the equivalent of bacteria on the life awareness scale. Clearly more advanced than an amoeba and yet not really as far up the chain as say the next step, Jimmy Carter. Yet in much the same way that some bacteria can have life

Classified

Wanted- Doctor skilled in the art of funny bone repair, to help with the revitalization of my humor center. Applicant should have years of experience and an understanding of basic concepts of humor, such as comic timing, effective puns and be able to wedge in the phrase 'sticky buns' liberally.

The Great Geek To Do List

Wake Up.Check E-mail.Dawn your favorite geeky t-shirt.Organize box of spare cables that you never use.Consider that since you no longer have dial-up and no one ever calls, why is it you are still paying for phone service?Check E-mail.Walk the isles of the local computer retailer, critiquing other customers purchases. "You know, no one stops to consider the real benefit of L2 cache anymore. Let me

Ode To A Nose Picker

Beside me sitting in your carBoth stopped at the light we areBut unlike me you seem distractedAs your brains you have extractedHow far up there can you go?While watching this most vulgar show.You keeping digging deeper stillUntil you get your sticky fillYou seem not to notice usAs we gag and make a fussWith your finger in your noseUp to your knuckle now it goesNow with your filthy quest

20 Things I Learned On Vacation

Work isn't anywhere near as much fun as vacation.Spending three hours in bumper to bumper traffic to get to some place to 'relax' has a strange taste of irony.This flavor is stronger if it also happens to be monsoon season.Gilroy Ca. Is the garlic capital of California. Even without freeway signs, you know when you're nearby.Eating candy is not recommend when passing through said city.If your are

Pushing Medications

It seems that I have become a medication pusher. I am helping to promote the use of chemicals though the traffic that I generate on my blog. Now don't look down on me, because of many of you are too! The Journey of JCrew has become the Den of Iniquity!It seems that JCrew has gone and deleted his blog. In doing so he left a gap wide open. A gap that about 10 other blogs link to. What dirty spammer

Sticky Buns

There are a few phrases in the English language that are funny with out any context. 'Sticky buns' is one of those. There are jokes that need a lot of setup to be funny. You have to sit everyone down, spin this elaborate yarn and only then, once the pump is primed will the laughter flow. Not so with Sticky Buns. I would wager that I could walk into any room in the English speaking world, shout '

Vacation Expectation

Next week I will be going on vacation. I'm not even sure I believe it. I cannot recall the last time I took vacation hours with the intention of doing something relaxing.The last few times, have all centered around my daughters. I took off time for both of their births and then for my eldest heart surgery. As you can imagine this was not what I would call, 'vacation' time.In addition we used to